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The Great Crxllpfghhk
"E pluribus eunuch"
maw maw maw maw maw maw 
4th-Dec-2014 03:40 pm


it's not infinite. (we can only imagine it.)

BLACK HOLE SEZ HI

lemme say it again. it only swallows you if you want it to. and then you come out the other end.
you can teeter on the rim as long as you like. stare into its depths. feel it looking back at you. into you.

don't let it define you.

I WANT YOU IN MY

mind. hole. mindhole. dot dot dot. fill in the blank. please please please. just gimme a chance.

I WANT YOUR SOUL. I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL.

not that i could, the thing is huge

IT ISN'T YOU I WANT, IT'S THE PUPPET I DRESSED IN YOUR SKIN

sorry, sorry, no no no, i don't want you to see this, it's a monster, maybe it's in everyone but i only know it's in me, maybe i really am a fucking freak

i just

this loneliness is I WANT IT drinking me I WANT IN i get drunk on these emotions until i drown myself
my 'self' in them

i can just give up

give up on you and everyone

it's safer that way

i understand now

YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW

just shut up that's stupid

YOU KNOW YOU KNOW YOU KNOW, GO GO GO

shut up

i'm such a freak, no wonder i still live with my parents, i'm 34 years old for chrissake

look, i just want TO SWALLOW YOU WHOLE to talk TO DEVOUR YOUR MIND i couldn't even if i wanted to, no it's TO CLIMB UP THE STAIRS OF YOUR SPINE AND STARE OUT YOUR EYEHOLES

i'll just go now, i can stop

nevermind

you're right, stay away, you're better off

i'll be fine


i'll be fine.




YOU'RE PATHETIC.

yes.

YOU'RE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE PATHETIC. WHICH IS PATHETIC.

thank you. yes.

I WANT TO HAVE FUN. I WANT YOU TO HAVE FUN. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

the monster wants to have fun. whoopee. everybody run.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU JUST TAKE IT.

you can't just TAKE people, you fucking asshole rapist fuck. besides, i don't want bodies, i want minds. how do you TAKE someone's mind? huh? stupid motherfucker.

this is a dead end.

nothing else to say, huh?

good.

this is the tightrope act. this is the real work.
i want to fall in, to be weak, to let go, but i can't. it won't let me.
it balances even if i don't want it to. but it does a fucking loop-de-loop if i'm not watching closely. turns me inside out, turns everything upside down and back again. that's ...
unpleasant.

what am i even talking about ... i'm talking about being alive, day to day, moment to moment. how fucking profound. i'm alone in this. everyone is alone in it. but we keep reaching out.

i want to reach out to you but i don't know why

i don't know if it's greed or loneliness or desperation or ... if there's really any good in it at all.

so i hold back.

i don't know who "you" are, i don't know who i'm writing this to or if they (she?) even exist(s?)???

or if it's just projection. or if it'll ever be anything else.

WHO CARES JUST GO GET LAID ALREADY JEEZ

yeah, YOU'RE the reason i don't, so go fuck yourself

leave me out of it

POOR BABY

ugh

WHY DON'T YOU GO WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT

i don't know. it does feel stupid. but then, so does everything if i let it.

i'm done with that. i'm responsible for the meaning in my life or the lack of it. and i'm sick of things feeling meaningless.

if you're reading this and if any of it makes sense to you, please come talk to me.

as long as you have something to say, i promise to try and listen. i know that no one can have time for everyone, but ... well, at the moment i have plenty of room. and if you're willing to try and meet me somewhere in the middle, that's all i want. i can't predict the future, i don't know myself well enough to make long-term promises, but it's hard to imagine me ever stopping if

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO

i don't know, i just

NO ONE IS READING THIS

but just in case

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE SATISFIED. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP DRIVING PEOPLE AWAY WITH YOUR EXPECTATIONS THAT NO ONE HAS THE TIME OR INTEREST TO MEET. EVEN WHEN THEY TRY YOU JUST BECOME MORE AND MORE DEMANDING AND INCONSOLABLE UNTIL THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GIVE UP.

AND YOU *LIKE* IT THIS WAY.

that's not true

IT'S SAFE. ACTUALLY REVEALING YOURSELF IS SCARY.

i'm trying, look at all of this, what do you think i'm doing

BUT YOU'RE TALKING TO -NO-ONE-.

CUT THE FUCKING BULLSHIT. IF YOU'RE LONELY, SAY YOU'RE LONELY. IF YOU WANT TO REACH OUT, THEN REACH OUT. JUST DO IT ALREADY. CLOSE THE FUCKING POST AND DO IT.

MAN UP AND ADMIT TO BEING THE NEEDY SELFISH BASTARD YOU ARE.

shit

EVERYONE FEELS LONELY. IF YOU ADMIT IT THEN YOU MIGHT JUST BE ABLE TO FEEL IT WITH SOMEONE. YOU'LL STILL BE ALONE BUT AT LEAST YOU'LL BE ALONE TOGETHER.

BUT THAT'S ALL IT IS. AS LONG AS YOU EXPECT MORE, YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO BE A MISERABLE FUCK.

who are you

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM, I'M YOU, YOU STUPID BASTARD. YOU JUST CREATED ME AS A 'MONSTER' SO YOU COULD GIVE YOURSELF A KICK IN THE ASS.

NOT THAT IT'S GOING TO WORK OR ANYTHING.






LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE TERRIFIED.

YOU PUSSY.





THAT'S RIGHT, GO SLINK AWAY.

THERE'S NO GOOD WAY TO END THIS POST.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE IT LIKE THIS.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER THE OLDER YOU GET. JUST KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE LYING ON YOUR DEATHBED REGRETTING EVERY SECOND YOU DIDN'T SPEND TRYING TO FIND HER AND I'M GOING TO BE THERE LAUGHING MY ASS OFF YOU COWARD FUCK.

I CAN'T WAIT

IT'S GOING TO BE GLORIOUS.
Comments 
10th-Dec-2014 04:04 am (UTC)
Hi :P
10th-Dec-2014 04:21 am (UTC)
Yep. This one was a mess. It just kept growing and growing and I just had to see where it would go.

A lot of it is stuff I've felt over the years but couldn't articulate until now. When I was feeling it I wasn't okay, but now that I can say it, I'm better. I've never felt so in control or on top of things, actually. No idea where things are going (if they're going anywhere) because Discovery Is Unpredictable. If we could predict it, it wouldn't really be discovery.

How are you?
13th-Dec-2014 08:08 am (UTC)
I dunno. .__. Still trying to meet various people's expectations.
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